Has it really been twenty years?

Today it has been twenty years since Clay's death. (For those of you who may not know, Clay was my husband and he was killed in an automobile accident in 1993.) I had a completely different post written about it. It was all about the horrible day it happened. But then, I got to thinking about it and decided that twenty years later I don't want to dwell in the past. I don't want to relive that awful day for the millionth time. Instead, I'd like to remember Clay for what he was; a brilliant mind, a kind generous and tender-hearted man who loved God and his family, a gentle soul, an extremely happy spirit, a helper, a teacher, a builder, a champion of the underdog, blood donor extraordinaire, witty, strong, faithful, funny, sympathetic, empathetic, patient, serious, silly and the most positive person ever.

Even twenty years after his death people still have the nicest things to say about him. I think most of us would be lucky to even be remembered vaguely a few years after dying, let alone twenty years later. That is his legacy, though. He made such an impression in his short time on earth. The day of his funeral an older rather frail looking man came up to me. He was pretty shaky and walked with a cane. He wanted to tell me how much Clay's help and visits meant to him over the past few years especially in the few months before his death. This guy told me about Clay visiting him several times a month, buying him groceries, calling to check on him and making sure he was okay. I did not have a clue who this guy was. Turns out he was an engineer who had worked closely with Clay's dad, Leroy. He was an old timer that had been sort of forced out of the company he and Leroy worked for. (The same company Clay would work for, as well, although many years later.) Clay never mentioned his good-deed-doing for this old guy, although I do remember him talking about a friend of his dad's that wasn't doing well. However, that isn't an isolated story. But it is typical of how Clay lived his life; always doing something good usually for someone else.

Clay English sure changed my life. Everything I have learned about loving and sharing my heart was taught to me through his example. He loved me even when I made it difficult for him to do so. He never gave up on me. I always had a hard time believing someone as wonderful as Clay could love someone like me so unconditionally. I saw myself as flawed, damaged, unlovable and told him so. He told me I wasn't the lump of coal I thought I was and that if I looked closer I would surely see what he saw-a brilliant diamond. I am laughing at this memory just as I laughed then. The very thought of myself as "a brilliant diamond" is  hilariously ridiculous in my mind's eye. But then, that was one of those little things he did that I really wanted to believe, whether I want to admit it or not.

I am lucky and blessed for having known Clay English. I am humbled that such a rare soul choose me to love and be his wife and mother of his children. It has been twenty long years without him though hardly a day has passed without thinking of him or being reminded of him in one way or another. I see him in his children and his grandchildren, too. His name lives on through his namesake grandson, Jon Clayton English (Baby Clay). Like a friend of his said to me "It's about time there was another Clay English". He is remembered with tremendous fondness and love by his friends and family. What a beautiful, beautiful legacy.